When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me No

Hey everyone look I'm really sorry because I know we JUST buried the casket but I'm 75% sure my wallet fell in there and I was wondering if

*laughs all the way to the bank* *cries all the way back*

"What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

However rich and successful you are, your cat will never see you as an equal.

Pulled out all of my eyelashes so I can make more wishes. 1st wish: MONEY! 2nd wish: FRIENDS! 3rd wish: eyelashes :(

Marriage tips 1. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate homes 4. Separate dates w/other ppl 5. 6. Don't get married

If bank website ads have taught me anything it's that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.

GOLDFISH: i swear i'll have your money by tomorrow GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money? GOLDFISH: who are you? GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where's my mon

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

The store sample lady just tried feeding me gluten-free donuts. I may need bail money. I don't remember much. But there's blood everywhere.

how do I tell my boss I don't want to do work anymore but still want money

SON: I need lunch money. DAD: Get a job. SON: I'm in 5th grade- DAD: All I'm hearin' is excuses.

I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don't have my wallet

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. 'Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it'.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Money can buy happiness. Give me 100 million dollars and I'll prove it to you.

"Money isn't everything," I say, poorly.

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks "is that your puppy?" say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh... That's more like it.

I've spent 43 years not being productive, skinny, rich & famous. Why start now?

"Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers." "What about my atm card which holds all my money?" "Any 4 numbers in a row."

I'm in Detroit with $80 in my wallet. Trying to decide if I should treat myself to a nice dinner or buy a house.

Wife: you're drunk Me: no'm not Wife: I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE Wife: Me: ok lil bit