I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

BREAKING NEWS: vaccinations do not work [camera cuts to several deflated balloon animals] look at these poor fellas

I find it odd that my son's teacher would like to see him skip grade one without knowing how horribly he screwed up when doing our taxes.

I don't want to be Oprah rich.I want to be "never drink off brand soda" or "my car stops because I hit the pedal,not because I prayed" rich.

If I was rich I'd hire a guy named Matt to stand in the tub and I'd call him my "bath Matt." And I'd also do stuff for malaria and stuff.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would

Did y'all know witches make only 70% of the salary warlocks make despite doing the same evil-ass magic? That's some bullshit right there!

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway. -lies parents tell themselves

You know what they called vegetarians 300 years ago.... Poor People...

Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt

*Pays bills* *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

If there isn't a Chinese millionaire that's changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money.

Ancestry.com will not get a cent of my money until they can tell me which apes I came from.

If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you'd hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct. Poor Superman.

Him: your account was stolen! Me: My twitter account? Him: no your bank account! *sigh* Me: thanks God!

Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery? Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot? Him: Me: Him: How much money do you have?

It's that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it's me trying to do my taxes.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

If you had more money you'd be happier.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 2-year-old: An eagle! I'm going to save so much money on college.

[restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN