Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

Oh your baby's name is Walter? Is he close to retirement?

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to "work that poll".

You could introduce a raccoon to a walrus as "my Grandpa Steven," and neither would bat an eye. THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT ANIMALS.

[me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella [my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Grandma found out I'm single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the 'have you thought about being a priest' talk again

I tried to take a selfie with my grandma and she said "you're going to have to wait until I'm in a casket"

JOSEPH: who did you name me after? ME: you were named after my grandfather GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

"I saw a really nice chair yesterday." - if your grandma tweeted

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away! Well grandma, that's how organ donation works.

My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper.

Don't hand me the phone Don't hand me the phone Don't hand me th-HIIIIII GRANDMA I'M GOOOOOD...

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

you mean the story about the elderly lady who had some sort of fur coming out of her lower back? oh thats nothing but an old wives tail

I've only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I'll have plenty for retirement.

Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.

"millennials sure do love APPS!!" i can edit a movie on my phone. you used to harass women for recreation. go back to watching suits grandpa

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

"Out with the dead, in with the old." - Nursing homes

Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you've had enough to eat. Date your grandma

After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.

We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise.

Grandpa Joe's all, I'm gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk! He's my kinda people.

I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)

Love voicemails from my grandma that start with "hello?....HELLO??..." and end with her trying to dial another number.