Rabbits are either running or being a statue. You never see a rabbit strolling.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he's been reading the news and knows he won't get punished for it.

*I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter* Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

*feeds a horse 1 pound of weed *rides off into sunset on my high horse

Cat doesn't realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

can we have one night where you don't act like spiderman "ok" [hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife's purse] "don't look at me"

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

If you're wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it's because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

"Tender and mild" is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

[During surgery] DR DOG: Suction please. NURSE: But there's no bleeding. DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Call me narrow-minded, but I'll never try bestiality. I'm just not interested in going down that rabbit hole.

"I'M A DOG!" "I'M A DOG TOO!" "WE'RE DOGS!" - dogs

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

A man who calls himself "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is currently hunting down a man named "War Machine". We all live inside a comic book now.

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell

No, I can't make it to your hair washing party tonight. I'm washing my h... erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.

You: "Whale you be my Valentuna?" Me: "Dolphinately."

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that? Hiker: THAT'S A BABY. YB: And I'm a talking bear. Hiker: YB: Hiker: YB: So where are we on that baby?

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake. Dog-1 Human-0

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She's the cutest kitty I've ever seen! Cat: I just want to be friends.