Hell is an eternity of being sober in a room full of drunk people.

Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? "Not to be confused with each other."

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex "I have to tell you something" then shut my phone off.

Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I'm drinking.

Saw my neighbor walking down the street with a case of beer, I said "That for me?". He said "I got this for my wife", I said "Great trade!"

Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

I'm eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I'm a unicorn in human form.

"Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I've gotten too drunk WIFE: I've been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

All I'm saying is when I'm drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time...

Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.

Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper "Hey, wanna get outta here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

All the good guys aren't taken; they're at the bar on Tuesday nights. Trust me. I'm a stranger on the internet.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time. The bartender says, "I'm gonna need to see your cardigan."

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." - neighborhood drunk

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before social interactions, very helpful.

At the Apple store waiting for a snotty Genius Bar guy. Thinking about how a "crowbar" has nothing to do with crows either.

If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes.

[girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend