Flight attendant:"Would you like the chicken or the pasta?" Me:"What would you suggest?" Flight Attendant:"Eat before you get on the plane."

Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane's going down. Look, stop screaming, that's not going to make me a better pilot

Just put my phone on airline mode. That's when it delays your texts for no reason & acts like it's doing you a favor when it does send them.

Waiting to see who you're sitting next to on an airplane is the original Chatroulette. Now where the hell is the next button?

Can we all agree to just stop what we're doing for 5 minutes and get a worldwide airplane safety speech and then we can skip them forever?

Why does the average person all the sudden become a tomato juice drinking weirdo on an airplane?

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a... *Puts on sunglasses* "Airline fracture"

I looked down on the earth from an airplane yesterday and there are PLENTY of trees left, don't worry!

"Whats the deal with all this airline food?" -Sharks in Malaysia

[boarding plane with really old pilot] "think his heart will hold out? lol" attendent: excuse me, sir? "depart out, what time do we leave?"

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

I switched my cellphone to 'airplane mode' and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.

Pilot: "What does this button do?" *intercom turns on* Pilot: "Doesn't do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do."

When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says "open wide" & starts making airplane noises* Guy: *stunned silence* -Single Mama on a date

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those "plane clothes cops."

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

If I had a time machine I'd alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

The most determined look I've ever seen on a human being is the airline passenger trying to fit a large suitcase in a small overhead bin.

I don't get why some girls don't make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

"Pilot season" in Hollywood is when TV networks pay writers millions of dollars to think of ways people could move in together.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Flight attendant: "will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?" Me: "yes" In my head: "No we're all gonna die"