Nothing says "poor money management" like a run down house with a 60 inch plasma screen in the living room.

My haunted house would be one where guys jump out w your tax forms improperly filled out & others handing you phones with your mom on hold.

I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I'm broke, but still a little fancy.

if you run over a bicyclist with an acoustic guitar on his back the cops will pull you over and give you a briefcase with money in it

I finished a sudoku today so I'm ready to do your taxes.

i didnt give that homeless guy money because his beard wasnt up to my standards. clean your act up homeless guy

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

Pretty cool how money could literally solve all my problems.

I'm dreaming of getting rich like my father. Wow your dad must be a rich man. No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

Rich guy does it: 50 Shades of Grey. Poor guy does it: Cops.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't like things as much as I do.

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

Dreamed I won the lottery last night - $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

That's so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

I love it when you call me Medium Poppa! Throw your hands in the air if you's a moderately attractive single lady with no kids or debt!

I'm not "rich." Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you're talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...

Billy: Hi! What's your name? Johnny: Johnny. B: Hey, what's THAT? J: An iPhone 4. Mom: Who's your new friend, Billy? B: Johnny. He's poor.

Weird how it's always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

bangs are just a poor woman's botox.

If a woman puts me in the friend zone I immediately borrow money from her and never pay it back because that's what friends do.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

[slides briefcase of money across the counter] "two big macs please" [opens briefcase to reveal $7]

I only drink out of jugs labelled XXX and I carry my money in a big sack with a dollar sign on the side. Everyone thinks I'm cool as hell.

Not saying I'm special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.