"911? Help, my son has gone missing" [baby lowers hands from eyes] "Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"

So he says, "Argh! Give me yer booties!" & he steals all the baby booties. ... There's an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I'LL FIND IT.

I just hope I love my child enough to stab a referee that made a bad call against him in a little league game.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, "Duck". His mother slaps him.

What I say: Play outside. What my kid hears: Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped.

[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby] what sound does a cow make "moo!" good now a dog "woof woof!" 2 for 2. now...WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We've decided on the perfect name for our baby

I never touch baby carrots because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target Me: Parents should control their kids! Cashier: Isn't she yours? Me: C: I saw her come in with you.

Yes, you take my breath away... But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don't be so flattered.

I used too much anti-aging cream and now I am a tiny baby.

that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup

There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield .... Thought I hit a unicorn

When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

Dad to kid: "Connor, eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" Me: *turns around, eats all of kid's food*

*on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh

Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I'd say I'm a success compared to that.

When I was a kid growing up in the Cold War, I had nightmares about the Russians. They wrote long novels. And professors made me read them.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Hillbillies are getting restless. Neighbor kid is dancing around a burn barrel listening to Whitesnake & wearing a Batman mask