KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk ME: You're abducting me 4 days before Christmas? K: Heh yep ME: Omg thank you K: What ME: I'm all yours K: Wait

*Wife sends me a link* *I click on link* *Buy whatever's at the link* *wait for delivery* ~Christmas shopping for my wife

For Valentine's Day my GF upped my life insurance policy. Unrelated, anyone know why there's a ticking sound coming from underneath my car?

I'm sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she's about to give birth to humanity's savior Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time J: wtf around what time

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo. Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says "please take one" That way it looks like I actually had candy once

(Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.

Americans eat Turkeys at Christmas. Do people in Turkey eat Americans?

Mah Dearest Emma, War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

dear matt Damon for Halloween I think you should go as Matt Demon or Good Will Haunting. text me if you do

The bunnies near my house are laying the smallest Easter eggs ever, and frankly they taste awful!

I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related

I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BOSS: I don't know you. Do you work here? ME: *sips wine* No. HIM: So your wife does? ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

A valentine? IN THIS ECONOMY?!?

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said "murdered". And "loved", past tense.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

If I get kidnapped, I'll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.

I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels

When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?