At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.

I don't want to lock my account because I like to help my X's feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I'm still a drunk.

Dear media: There's nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.

Drunk girls would be amazing lawyers if they cared about laws & freedoms as much as they cared about trying to convince people they're sober

The only camper that is a Happy Camper is the one who drank enough alcohol to forget that he's CAMPING.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you're drunk is called Beer Googles.

God: make alcohol really fun Angel: haha ok God: but it makes them stupid Angel: i dont know if- God: and if they have too much they die

[quietly tries to open a can of beer] driving instructor: what was that

What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK NOT DEAF

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. Their lack of faith due to God forsaking mankind has driven them to alcoholism.

"I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created

I've grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.

Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.

Me: this a rush song? Bartender: yeah, you a fan? Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says "no"*

It's cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

*calls hotel front desk* "Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?" No sir, you will be billed for any- "Someone robbed my mini bar"

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I've been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

"You're an alcoholic." I prefer the term 'bar-barian'

I make the McDonald's guy eat a McDouble with me like when people buy shots for the bartender