Saw a Mexican lady driving around with a "Jesus" bumper sticker. Can't tell if she loves Jesus or is really supportive of her husband.#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: "No." *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: "im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it" store owner: "it's okay" me: [lying in a coffin] "the first one was better"#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore's 150th birthday.#Ashton Kutcher#Demi Moores#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"the immaturity and the copying are my main issues" I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office#Marriage#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.#Marriage#Money#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[High School Reunion] Him: I started my own Law Firm last year Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story#Marriage#School0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you. ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Top causes of divorce: 1. Finances 2. Infidelity 3. Unmet expectations 4. Growing apart 5. Tandem bikes#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Saw my neighbor walking down the street with a case of beer, I said "That for me?". He said "I got this for my wife", I said "Great trade!"#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: We'd have less arguments if he wasn't so pedantic THERAPIST [to me] Is that right? ME: No. It should be fewer arguments#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I've gotten too drunk WIFE: I've been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead" she hexed.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[kitchen] "Please pass the bee-nut butte-" *wife glares* "-the honey"#Marriage#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.#Animals#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months* "Have you had the kid yet?" -No "Well, I'm level 77 on candy crush."#Wife And I#Marriage#Dating#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[my husband turning onto our street] "know what I think?" husband: you don't have to say it everytime. "we've been down this road before"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp