Religion Jokes

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate bob: karen! god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot! Priest: This is communion... M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr- P: Leave.

[at church] "I'm here for the blood."

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it'd be: "Who the hell are you?!"

I bet the inventor of puppets has one hell of a creepy backstory.

[interrupts pastor] but jesus was crucified today shouldn't we call today "Bad Friday" or even "Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday"

*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus* Sleep tight precious angel

DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

The Bible Belt - the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

I don't see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

DOCTOR: congratulations, it's a boy! *holds up baby tricycle* BICYCLE DAD: what the hell? BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he's still wondering what the hell happened.

Me: What the hell do you want? Him: Um, YOU called ME.

I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive facebook pokers.

*Creates Animals* God: They're magnificent. Angel: Some of ur best work. Man: Which ones go on pizza?

The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market

hey baby did you fall from heaven because YOU'RE LUCIFER AND MUST BE DESTROYED

I wish I could remember how the hell I ignored people before I owned a cell phone.

not a day goes by that i don't think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

It turns out no one likes "the real me" and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn't killed. What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?

BOSS: There's limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah