Religion Jokes

In Heaven Me: I can't believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong Gid: You idiots couldn't even get my Giddamn name right

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I'm pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Hell is filled with news anchors tapping stacks of papers on desks and engaging in lighthearted end-of-broadcast banter.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Vodka & Vicodin are the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you'd be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don't need to call the police.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die? Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not? 3: It's full of dead people.

(God creating coyotes) God: Make them look like dogs. Angel: Exactly like dogs? God: But with a meth problem.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!? *squishes out of the room*

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

(1st day in heaven) Me: Whoa- is that Elvis? Angel- no, it's an impersonator M: Wow, is that... A: listen man all we got is impersonators

Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?

Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we're going.

[dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that's not my wifes phone number at all. She's zero fun today

"You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!! ~Poprah

-hey lucifer. did it hurt -did what hurt -when you fell from heaven -for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.

Kids....because who doesn't enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

When boy scouts leave a campsite better than they found it, I like to picture a bear who went to interior design school like, "Oh HELL naw."

Hell yeah I want your website to play music without warning or a mute button!

Hey kids, for Halloween, let's go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead! Kids: Church?