Good News Jokes

Stalker status update: Good news-I'm not in your house. The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

Good News and Bad News and Good News So this old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, ""Your test results came back and I'm afraid I have some bad news, and good news."" The man says, ""Well, crap, tell me the bad news first"" So the doctor says, ""I'm sorry to say this, but you have alzheimer's"" The old man says, ""Damn, that sucks...What's the good news then?"" The doctor then replies, ""Well, apart from that, you're fit as a fiddle!"" The old man then pipes up and asks, ""Then whats t…

North Korea launched ICBM today Good news for them, it managed to make it out of Pyongyang this time

A man goes into a doctor's office A man goes into doctor's office and sits down. The doctor says ""OK, from your latest tests I've got some good news and bad news... Which do you want to hear first?"" The man thinks for a moment. ""Um... Good news."" The doctor replies with ""You have 24 hours to live."" The man, shocked at this response, objects. ""24 hours to live? Then what is the dang bad news?"" The doctor shrugs and says ""I forgot to call you yesterday.""

Just hope they don't name it after me My body is all messed up. All messed up I tell ya. It hurts to pee, I can't quit itching my balls...I'm even losing skin on my pecker (and there ain't much to lose I tell ya)... So I go to my doctor and they do all the std tests known to man. Two weeks later the doctor calls me back and says ""Good news, you came back negative on all of your tests"" I tell him, ""Good news?! You find out you got an STD the world don't know about yet and call it 'Good news'""

Some Good News The parachute company says you'll get a full refund. They say the house didn't float very far at all. The ""National Enquirer"" just loved those pictures of you at work. Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show. The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars. The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird. The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers. Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it. The boss said wh…

Doctor: ""Good news you passed your hearing test!"" Patient: ""HUH""

A Catholic man is on a train. At the next stop, the Vatican, the conductor announces "Good news, everybody! Pope Francis himself Is boarding this very train right now!" Being a die-hard Catholic, the man squeals. *Oh my gosh! The Pope is on this very train!* He then looks up and sees that the Pope is actually in the same car as him. *Wow! He's in the same car as me! Boy, would it be awesome if he sat right ne-* He was cut off when someone sat next to him, and, coincidentally, it was the Pope.…

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma. After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you. Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter? Doctor: Denise. Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son? Doctor: Denephew.