Demetri Martin Jokes

A guy waved at me and ran over the other day... He said ""oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"" I said, ""I am"" -Demetri Martin

I saw a transvestite... wearing a T-shirt that said ""Guess"". Source: Demetri Martin. Person.

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged. I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters. (H/T Demetri Martin)

TIL that "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are not the same thing... ...at a funeral. (Credit: Demetri Martin)

A couple who holidayed regularly in Spain spent many of their days apart because he was a sun worshipper whereas she always stayed in the shade. So at lunchtimes she would sit in their hotel room with a sandwich while he sat outside a local bar and enjoyed a few beers. One lunchtime he stayed away a little longer than usual and when he returned to the room, she was furious. "Where have you been?" she moaned. "I've been dying of thirst here. What do you think I am, a bloody camel?" "Why didn't yo…

A guy walked into the office wearing a horribly loud shirt and tie. "Do you like my new shirt?" he asked a colleague. "It's made of the finest silk and has got loads of cactuses all over it." "Cacti," said the colleague, correcting him. "Never mind the tie! Look at my shirt!" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behaviour for the day. Like if you put on flipflops you're saying, 'Hope I don't get chased today.' Demetri Martin

What's the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have owners, cats have staff. My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying, 'Oh, Steve's really a cat person.' No he's not. If Steve were a cat person, it'd be, like, 'Hey, Steve never goes in the pool.' Demetri Martin