A couple who holidayed regularly in Spain spent many of their days apart because he was a sun worshipper whereas she always stayed in the shade. So at lunchtimes she would sit in their hotel room with a sandwich while he sat outside a local bar and enjoyed a few beers. One lunchtime he stayed away a little longer than usual and when he returned to the room, she was furious. "Where have you been?" she moaned. "I've been dying of thirst here. What do you think I am, a bloody camel?" "Why didn't you go to the pool bar and buy some water?" he said. "It's only a hundred yards over there." "You know I can't go out in the sun in the middle of the day. Anyway, now you're finally here, I want you to go and get me a bottle. But remember, it must be still water. I don't want any of that sparkling stuff." "Okay my sweet. Still water it will be." So he headed off to the pool bar and returned a few minutes later carrying a bottle of water. "Is it still water?" she demanded. "Of course it's still water," he replied wearily. "Who do you think I am, bloody Jesus?" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said: 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. I said: 'I am.' Demetri Martin