I saw a transvestite... wearing a T-shirt that said ""Guess"". Source: Demetri Martin. Person.

Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged. I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters. (H/T Demetri Martin)

TIL that "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are not the same thing... ...at a funeral. (Credit: Demetri Martin)

A couple who holidayed regularly in Spain spent many of their days apart because he was a sun worshipper whereas she always stayed in the shade. So at lunchtimes she would sit in their hotel room with a sandwich while he sat outside a local bar and enjoyed a few beers. One lunchtime he stayed away a little longer than usual and when he returned to the room, she was furious. "Where have you been?" she moaned. "I've been dying of thirst here. What do you think I am, a bloody camel?" "Why didn't yo…