An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup. His doctor says, ""You're looking good, how do you feel?"" The old man says, ""I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"" The doctor says, ""That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never misses a season. This past year he went hunting beavers in Canada but when he got to the woods he realized he had forgotten to pack his rifle. To make the best of…

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Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting "The Walking Dead." Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you.

"Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.