If I were Hillary, I'd ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.

REPUBLICANS: I can't believe Trump won. DEMOCRATS: I can't believe Hillary lost. ME: I can't believe it's not butter!

Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU'RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.

"Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre-- never mind" - Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night