DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies... who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud says, ""Man, I wish we had something to drink!"" Jim says, ""Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fa…

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. 'What the hell,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.' When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your 'willy'?' The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.' The bartender says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do …

My sister was crying the other day... ...she kept going on and on about how fat she had gotten, and how no guy would ever be attracted to her. So I did what any brother would do. I sat next to her, held her close, and told her from the bottom of my heart: ""Hey bud, you're so much more than what it says on a scale. After all, ours is broken.""