When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course.

[bar closing time] Do you wanna come over to my place? Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah Ok hold on.. *dials phone* Mom? Can you pick me up now?