Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson's Black Cat blew your Grandma's pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind

[me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella [my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ... ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I disc…