My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

With love A very rich woman has three possible suitors for her daughter, and decides to test them. One day, she takes the first one for a walk. She asks him all kinds of questions about his future, education and feelings for her daughter. She's got a good feeling about him, when suddenly an idea strikes her. To test his courage, she jumps in te river. The young man jumps after her immediately, hauls her out of the river and performs CPR. The elder woman is saved. The next morning, he finds a bea…

A Husband's Generosity A group of men is at the gym club when a cellphone rings. One of the men answers: ""Yes?"" he answers ""Hun, is that you? I can hardly hear you."" ""Hello!"" ""Are you at the gym?"" ""Yes!"" ""I'm in front of the fur shop and they have this beautiful mink coat. Can I buy it?"" ""How much is it?"" ""About five thousand dollars."" ""Okay, but buy a matching purse that goes with it too my love."" ""Well, it also turns out that I stopped by the car dealership today saw they ha…

Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?