My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit.

My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile* Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco. *Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

A man is plotting to kill his wife He hears about a hitman named Artie who will kill people for cheap. He decides to call this hitman and explain the situation. ""My wife is cheating on me and I want her dead. Kill her boyfriend if he's there too."" They meet up for the pay. Artie says ""Alright, I will do 1 dollar a person, so 2 dollars."" ""Whoa whoa, hold up a moment!"" The man says. ""What if her boyfriend isn't there?"" Artie thinks or a minute and says ""Alright, pay 1 dollar right now. If…