*Husband buys me flowers* Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die. Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

It's a bitch After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, …

The widow A older woman's husband died and she is sitting at the kitchen table letting his ashes sift through her fingers. Harry, do you remember the jewelry I always wanted but you would never buy? See my diamond necklace and matching bracelet? I have them now. Thank you. Remember the furs you did not want to spend the money for? This is my mink and I have a sable upstairs. I have them now. Thank you. How about the vacations we could never afford? I leave today for The French Rivera with my 22 …

Wise Golfer A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ""If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"" ""No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"" the homeless man replied. ""Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?"" the man asked. ""Are you NUTS!"" replied the …