Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you're raising a child now.

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym. He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player. After an uneventful flight and some trouble getting the timpani through customs, the weary orchestra checks into their hotel. The performanc…

Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?

A drunk walks into a pet store . . . and leans heavily on the counter. ""Gimmie a shot of Jim Beam,"" he slurs to the clerk. ""I, I'm sorry, sir,"" says the clerk, ""you must be mistaken. This is a--"" ""Goddamnit, I wanna (hic) drink, you can't tell me what mzmblrf kn izzenuf!"" shouts the drunk, slamming his fist on the counter. Blinking, the clerk reaches behind him, and hands the drunk a little brown turtle. ""Please, sir; take this. I hope it will make you happy."" The drunk stares at the t…