Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. -Tim Vine

My girlfriend said to me ""as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you"" and I said ""let's make one thing absolutely clear..."" ""My mother was never a young boy."" Tim Vine

Two young lovers went up into the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. On arrival, the guy went out to chop some wood, but when he got back he complained that his hands were icy cold. "Okay," said his girlfriend, "put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." So he did. After lunch, he went out to chop some more wood and again he came back complaining that his hands were freezing. "Just put them between my thighs," said his girlfriend, "and that will warm them up." So he did.…

A man was sick of his two-and-a-half-hour drive to work every day. "You should try the train," suggested a neighbour. "I did once, but I couldn't drive the thing to save my life!" At least it's comfortable on Eurostar. It's murder on the Orient Express. Tim Vine You Know You're a Biker When . . . Your best friends are all named after animals. Your idea of jewellery is chains and barbed wire. You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher. Your family photo album is a series of tattoos on your back.…