Jesus and Moses are playing golf. After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, ""Use your 4 iron"". Jesus says, ""No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron"". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, ""Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"" Moses says, ""He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods.""

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn. 'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.' 'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?' 'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.' 'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?' 'Yes, Senor, that's the one.' 'Damn! That's a real shame. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?' 'From eating rotten meat, Senor George.' 'Rotten meat? Who the hel…

Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. ""How's ya gettin' on today, sir"" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ""hello"" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. ""What are dose?"" Ask…