I like giving names to my furniture Right now i'm chillin' with Oscar the Couch

there's no way leo dicaprio cares about winning an oscar as much as we care about imagining that SOMETHING torments a rich handsome actor

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.