I'm dreaming of getting rich like my father. Wow your dad must be a rich man. No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

SON: I need lunch money. DAD: Get a job. SON: I'm in 5th grade- DAD: All I'm hearin' is excuses.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein's IQ but I couldn't get it under 140.