[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* "did you take a knife to a job interview"

Parish priest A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. ""I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told…

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea. Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening. The second man then asks him where they ate. ""Hmm,"" ponders the first man. ""You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"" ""You must be thinking of a rose,"" the second man replies. ""Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'…

Wife is tired of doing everything, husband says it'll be okay. **Husband:** ""Babe, did you say you were making dinner? or what? I can't remember"" **Wife:** *Sighs* ""I just wish you'd take some initiative and cook your own dinner for once...I've been at work too you know. So, what, now I come home and get to cook dinner, pack the dishwasher and then unpack the dishwasher, wash all the clothes...and you know what, I just can't continue to live like this! "" **Husband:** ""Hey, hey hey, relax. I…