Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

I've started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer. Thus I have to move it to get a beer. Because exercise is important too.

Man: I'd like an order of buffalo wings Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here *a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*