[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a "gang" [Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] "Not a chance"

"Hey mom can Kyle come over?" mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people's- [From outside] LOOFAS!

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight K: Its chips & salsa M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*