My wife and I found each other on a dating website.........3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.

I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around".

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around.