I told my wife, “I have a weird feeling we have been to this French restaurant before.” Her: Are you having deja vu? Me: No. The chicken.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

"I'm a vegetarian but I eat fish." - People who don't get how definitions work.