"Doctor," asked the patient, "whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right." The doctor replied: "Then wait for half an hour before getting up." And if that didn't go down a storm at the forum, there was always this ancient version of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch:

Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine

On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat's all chatty... I cover the receiver and hiss "Shhh, you want them to hear you?"