When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it

[weather guy on TV] "Today there will be 12 clouds. One is called Simon"

[bedroom] Her: omg don't stop Me: what was that? Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop

A friend of mine asked me how he could become a more effective boss... I said, just change your name to Simon.