21 One-Liners 1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves. 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain. 3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant. 4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down. 5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her. 6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now. 7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. 8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes. 9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long. 11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything." 12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. 13. Say what you want about deaf people... 14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it. 15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade." 16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. 17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust. 18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people. 19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. 20. Whiteboards are remarkable. 21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.