Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck

[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom