Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror... (ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..." Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" …

Vladimir Putin is riding around in his chauffeured Mercedes in Donbas... ... when a pig suddenly bursts out of the underbrush, runs in front of the car, and is immediately killed. Putin spots a farmhouse in the distance and tells his driver to go there and tell the people there what happened. The car drives up to the house, the driver knocks on the door and goes inside, while Putin waits in the car. A variety of loud noises come from the house, and an hour later, the driver comes out, thorou…

Putin goes to a psychic. She tells him he will die on a Ukrainian holiday. "Which holiday exactly?" asks Putin. "Any day that you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

If I had a gun with 2 bullets and Hitler, Osama and Putin in a room, I'd probably shoot Putin twice. The other two are dead anyway.