I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."

"Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on

Never take ecstasy with a squirrel named... hey, squirrel dude, what's your name? Charles? Never take ecstasy with a squirrel named Charles.

In Soviet Russia... You are in charge of Charles. (h/t Wife)