I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."

"Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on

In Soviet Russia... You are in charge of Charles. (h/t Wife)

It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is ""Chuck"". I mean, what the Farles is that about?