How is a pirate like a trumpet player? They both murder on the high C's.

I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me