SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ... ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I disc…

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

Cows CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2…