Dad to kid: "Connor, eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" "Eat your food!" Me: *turns around, eats all of kid's food*

Home Depot is having their "ultimate tool event" in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Your resume just says "falconer" "And?" Well, this is a bank *falcon starts break-dancing* "Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job"

When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler