My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. ""Hey!"" she announced. ""This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!"" ""You put a stop to that right now"" he shouted. ""That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!""

[kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

How come when a child shouts "This is dumb" at a wedding it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm immediately replaced by another priest?