Who does a bagel-maker call when he can’t get inside his bakery? A lox-smith

Smith, my boss shouted, it's the 4th time you're late this week, what should I deduce? That it's Thursday.

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial. Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died? Smith: Yes, I can. He said... Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue. ​ This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the judge regarding the admissibility of Smith's testimony. After a couple of hours of deliberation, the judge calls for a recess while he consul…

What’s Your Name, Sailor? What’s Your Name, Sailor? The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” “John,” the new seaman replied. “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, …