Why was Putin late for dinner with Obama? Because he got Snowden.

With the situation in Ukraine... Putin is giving a speech to his people - My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder! Voice from the crowd: - We will work two shifts! - Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production! - We will work three shifts! - Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation? - I work at morgue...

Putin decides to invade Poland Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller. Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost. Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty. Putin: Rubles?!? Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

Putin goes on holiday! Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting.