I was walking down the street with my wife... ... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men. My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?" I said, "Six should be enough." *(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

A husband and wife were sitting at a table at her fiftieth high school reunion. The husband kept staring at a drunken guy sitting alone at a nearby table and eventually he asked his wife: "Do you know him?" "Yes," she replied. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and apparently he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" exclaimed the husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!" I've never understood why some p…

A guy explained to a gay colleague at work: "I'm not homophobic in the same way that I'm not arachnophobic. I'm not scared of gays and I'm not scared of spiders. But if I were to walk in and find one in my bed, I'd be a little worried." I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy. Jimmy Carr

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married? Can't elope. I have finally found what the best thing before sliced bread was – massive sandwiches. Jimmy Carr We don't eat dolphins because they're cute and intelligent. If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was that it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo. David Cross