I was walking down the street with my wife... ... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men. My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?" I said, "Six should be enough." *(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

A woman arrived at the cash desk of a clothes store and reached into her handbag for her purse. As she did so, the clerk couldn't help noticing that there was a TV remote in the woman's handbag. "Excuse me," said the clerk. "Do you always carry your TV remote with you when you're shopping?" "No," replied the woman. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But a…

A husband and wife were sitting at a table at her fiftieth high school reunion. The husband kept staring at a drunken guy sitting alone at a nearby table and eventually he asked his wife: "Do you know him?" "Yes," she replied. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and apparently he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" exclaimed the husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!" I've never understood why some p…

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married? Can't elope. I have finally found what the best thing before sliced bread was – massive sandwiches. Jimmy Carr We don't eat dolphins because they're cute and intelligent. If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was that it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo. David Cross